Five Questions

Thanks to Tulipmania for asking me five questions. I'll try to be as honest, and as succinct (LOL, yeah, right!) as possible.

1. Pick one of your most important strengths/traits that you hope to pass down to your daughters? Courage. Or, rather, attempted courage. I can still be scared out of my wits about all sorts of things, but I still try to beat Fear. I certainly don't always succeed, but I try. There is too much in life to miss out on if I let Fear control me, and I want my girls to realize this too. By confronting Fear, that opens the door to discovery, honesty, compassion, love, knowlege, creativity, gosh, everything really worth anything.

2. What's your favorite smell, sound, sight? The nearly-every-mom answer, which is absolutely true for me, is newborn-baby smell, my childrens' laughter (followed by "I love you, Mommy" at a close second), and seeing my kids really, truly happy. But that doesn't say much about me other than I really like being a Mom, LOL. So, non-Mommycentric answers would be: the smell of wet creosote after a desert rain, all the sounds of a thunderstorm (which used to terrify me), and a Fall sunrise over the desert (although northcoast California sunsets are just as spectacular)

3. If you could meet anyone and ask them one question....who would it be and what would you ask? Hmmmmmm. Well, there's the eternal question of Why? But there's some confusion over who to ask that one. Without giving it really deep thought,and picking what first comes to mind, I'd have to say I'd want to meet my first lost baby. I'd ask her simply why. That's a loaded enough question to probably answer all my confusion over life, the universe, and everything. I doubt the answer will be 42.

4. What belief do you think people have about PPD that is contrary to the reality of PPD? Ya' know, this is a hard one to answer while I'm in the midst of it all. It's so easy to let my paranoia run rampant with this question, with visions of my kids being taken away from me for being so loony. I have little honest fear that this will happen, I'm not seriously considering suicide, and don't ever think that harming the kids is the answer out of this. But publically admitting my difficulties and the horrible images that plague my mind during the worst times is scary. Probably downright foolish, paranoia or not. Were I to tell my boss I really need a day off because I'm so overwelmed that I'm having intrusive thoughts about throwing my baby into the wall, holding a pillow over her face, or flying my car off of a cliff, well, it will be greeted nowhere nearly as benign as were I down with the flu. It feels as if there is no middle ground with the general populace's view of what PPD is. Either it's just normal baby blues, get over it, or you're going to be one of those poor Moms on the news who did lose all hope and harmed herself and/or her kids. But, see, it's really so nebulous. PPD isn't about what we will do, I think it's more about what we will not do. NOT seek help, NOT help ourselves, NOT feel in control, NOT be motivated, NOT believe in ourselves, NOT give ourselves credit, NOT enjoy the fleeting time with a new soul, NOT be ourselves. Damn if I'm not near catatonic some days.

Anyways, I think one of the most misunderstood things about PPD for the blessedly ignorant is that it's a fleeting thing that is nothing to be concerned about. I say this from experience - that's what I used to think.

5. Do you have a favorite book from childhood? What's it's name and why was it your favorite? Define childhood! Hee hee. Early on, I loved Fox in Sox, because my Dad would read that to me nearly every night, and we'd hoot and holler over the tongue twisters and those silly beetle bottle battles. Later, Black Beauty and Misty of Chincateague, because I was your typical horse-crazy girl. Still later, My Side of the Mountain. Even though I had no desire to run away, I was in love with the idea of being so self-sufficient and creative (still am!). A tich later, The Killer Angels because I was a sucker for Civil War history, especially the battle of Gettysburg, and Chamberlain's charge down Little Round Top was oddly romantic. About the same time I read Tolkein, and my adolescent romanticism related to his stories as well, so I read and reread his works over and over again. I still love all of these books of my childhood, and have given them as gifts, at appropriate ages, to kids in my life. Then I found Vonnegut and Douglas Adams, and I've been down the happy reader's road of wry social commentary and unusual humor ever since!
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