You know what sucks about PPD?

Well, hopefully you don't. And, well, actually, lots of things suck about Post-Partum Depression. But this weekend, well, it sucked all the way around. I'm home, for goodness sake, I should be enjoying my time with the kids. I pine away for them all week at work. I pine away for them so much I find myself sitting there for hours just staring at the computer screen doing n-o-t-h-i-n-g.

But, this weekend, lots of stresses were on me. First and foremost is a huge infestation of beetles on Saturday morning that have made the bedrooms uninhabitable still, here on Sunday evening. We're still fighting them, and they bite, too. Add to this a teething baby, a clingy toddler, and a kid who just wants to spend time with happy parents. Then just for kicks, add in an insane MIL (who thankfully doesn't know about my PPD) who is asking hubby to leave me and take the kids with him to her dysfunctional place. Compared to her, I'm the Dalai Lama. Thankfully, he's beyond upset with her for being such a.... well, she's family, I can't call her what I want to call her. Anyways, he's calling her that for me. Oh, and 100+ temps outside as we try to clear away the beetle's habitat isn't making me feel all warm and fuzzy, either. Work is highly stressful right now, what with various coworker problems that have surfaced while I was on leave still unresolved, and me being incapable of doing any work so what was already three months behind from me going on maternity leave is getting even further behind and new work is piling up.

Still, normally, I wouldn't be what you would call happy under these circumstances, but I wouldn't be so angry. I'm usually a pretty laid back person, although I do let things build up before I let them out. To get to my title, the thing that really sucks about PPD isn't how I feel, but how I make my kids feel. All they want is to spend time with me, play a bit, nurse, be read to, you know, have a Mom who loves them and shows that she loves them. Instead, they have a Mom who loves them but is so angry and overwhelmed that she screams. A lot. I actually told them today (through gritted teeth) that I am in a really really bad mood and I need some time by myself, do NOT bother me. Ok, I guess I'm allowed to say that at times, but I'm away all week, this is my time with them, it is NOT FAIR to them that I feel that, or say that. Maybe it really is fair, I'm sure some Dr. Phil out there would say everyone needs some time to themselves. But not me. I'm always wanting to be with them. I don't LIKE "me" time away from them. "Me" time to me means going to the park with them. This is the damn PPD making me feel this way, not any healthy need for time alone.

I don't often read about working moms with PPD - almost all I ever hear about is SAHM's, or WAHM's who really probably do need some time away from the kids just for a change of pace. Hmmmm, maybe not. I'm away from them all the time, and it doesn't help at ALL. But they seem to *think* that that's what they need. And maybe they do. I can't be completely unique, but I also can't be exactly like everyone else. Anyways, just like there aren't all that many resources for working moms with SAHD's out there, there don't seem to be many resources to help working moms with PPD. "Helpful" suggestions are get out of the house, find a mom's group, go to the gym. Bite me, I can't do that. Even though PPD makes me know I need to do some things but literally cannot find the energy or courage to do it, I know damn well that I'm not going to find a working mom's group who wants to have coffee clutches with a lunatic lady. Besides, I don't WANT to at all - that's more time away from home, hubby, and babies.

Yeah, perhaps my PPD stems from a ton of guilt about not being with my family. How can anyone leave a three-month-old baby? Better yet, how can *I* leave *MY* three-month-old baby? After all, I don't seem to mind when other moms do it. Even though Daddy is doing a good job (although he lets her cry too much for my taste - my WOHM mantra is "even though he does things differently than I would doesn't mean that he is doing things wrong."), darnit, it's MY job to be a mommy, it's not a part-time job, and sometimes, particularly now, I don't want to be such an 'enlightened' woman!

So, today, I screamed very loudly in the face of my five-year-old, I let my two-year-old cry in the bathroom for over half-an-hour, and I let my new-ish born baby cry for an hour as I worked in the backyard clearing out brush to get rid of those damned beetles. The house is a wreck, the kids have watched far too much crappy tv, I'm tired, and I have phantom bugs crawling all over me. I have a staff meeting next week and I'll have to report I have done nothing for four weeks.

But, at least my baby is now asleep on my chest while I get it all out. And she smells terrific - almost covers up the smell of bug spray. Some things in life still outshine all the bad stuff.

Zoloft, take me away!

DH said take the night off, go see a movie, you need a break from the kids. I couldn't help but start crying.... I'm crying just thinking about it. How could it come to me needing a break from my kids. What I really need is a break from work. LOL, what I really need is a large trust fund, a nice MIL, lots of family around to help out, and an exterminator.

I'd like to say that PPD makes me babble ad nauseum, but no, that's really me.