November 5th has come and gone

Every year I find a muse to write something. As Mommy, it's my job to Remember, that's all I have left, and that's all she has.

But I failed this year. Life, you know, it gets in the way of death. Funny, that. I'd like to think that that's the way it should be, live - because you can, dammit. But when you're Mommy, and you are all that keeps something of her here, well.... I failed.

So, I'll pass along what I wrote the day she was supposed to come, my first loss, my first babylove, written while pregnant with my oldest, N. Reading it today it sounds utterly corny and hackneyed. If I were less tired, and less morose, I'd find comfort in it because, well, because I am Mommy, and She is a part of me.


The Colors of the Rain

I had a dream
Once... long ago
Now buried ‘neath cold drifts of snow
Of pain and grief and agony.
That freeze mere thoughts of you and me.

We laughed and played
Under the sun
On hills of green and sand of dun.
Where I discovered through your eyes
Forgotten wonders, joy and pride.
I dried your tears, and hugged you tight
And kissed you sweetly every night.

I loved you more
Than life is dear,
But you left and now I fear
That I will never love again
And see the sky above the rain.

My heart is cold,
The snow is deep.
Dark shadows find their way and creep
Into my dreams and waking hours
Lost, I cry and cringe and cower.
I cannot find my way out
of this frozen land of doubt.

I blame myself
For this frost.
You, my strength, my courage lost
Hope is gone, and faith as well
I am in the deepest pits of Hell.

I look out now
and learn that I
Have not seen the world go by
With people just as sad or more
Whom I had chosen to ignore.
Too deaf to hear their cries of sorrow,
Too blind to see me there tomorrow.

I wonder why
You chose to leave?
To make me cry and whine and grieve?
Or did you give me this lesson
To grow my strength and show compassion?

You took away
my belief
in myself and left me grief.
But now I start to understand
that you gave me a strong hand
to help me find unmeasured wealth:
compassion, courage, my own true self.

I recall
how glad I was
to find that you would be with us
I smiled, laughed, and reveled in
my growing child deep within.

I learned too
of love so deep
That I would do all things to keep.
I learned that I could be a Mom
and yearn to praise and hug and calm
my own sweet babe I did not know
emerging now from melting snow.

Time has passed,
And I now see
That you were here to teach me
Of love and life and loss and pain
To find the colors in the rain
That shine and dance and play with tears
of joy and grief and conquer fears.

I have a dream
You share with me
Of love and hope and destiny.
This one I carry is sweet and dear,
And I hold her with some fear.
But you have taught me to have faith
In myself and in her fate.

Mommy, November 1999

For our little lost one,
expected November 5, 1999, but never arrived.
Mommy and Daddy love and miss you very much.

[miscarriage]