Mommy (and Daddy) wars

RebelDad sent me wandering over to The Imponderabilia of Actual Life discussing Happy Housewives written by Darla Shine.

I said my piece about the book, which I admittedly have not read, in RebelDad's comments. What I want to briefly discuss here is the polarity this book endorses. Maybe not by design (although the excerpts Imponderabilia posts suggest otherwise), but the end result is the same: Mommy Wars.

Way back when, five lifetimes ago before I ever got pregnant, I had no idea such a thing existed. Then I found out there were entire debate bulletin boards devoted to "SAHM/WOHM." What? What is there to debate - you work, or you don't. There's something to debate over this? Now, three kids, a SAHD, and a mental book of pointed comments I've heard over the years later, I'm wiser.

Not happier, just wiser.

I'm still perplexed, though. What is it about a working mom, or a stay-at-home mom, that causes such dichotomous reactions? I read about stay-at-home moms saying they feel they have to defend their choice. To whom? I could be the proverbial southern belle insisting she simply doesn't understand what all the darkies are complaining about, but I'm thinking the SAHMs feel they more have to defend their choice to stay at home with themselves, and not (many) other people. But, since I'm not a SAHM, I obviously don't have a leg to stand on that assumption, so I will accept that yes, SAHMs have reason to feel defensive about their lifestyle. It's a hard job that I do see not everyone appreciates.

Being a WOHM, of course, I can bring up all sorts of examples of WOHM-unfriendly comments and practices. Not only do I have to put up with various attacks against my worthiness as a mother, woman, and employee, I can't schedule swim classes or other fun child-enriching activities because they're all scheduled during the weekday.

And then there are the dads. Either they are accused of being hopeless parents and helpmates, or they are questioned about their masculinity and worthiness because they stay at home with the kids.

What is the point? All this bickering and martyrdom does is create a schism in what should be a united front of parents. People who need the support and comoraderie shared in a history of poopy diapers, sleepless baby nights, countless homework hours, pacing the porch during prom night, and worries about how we will possibly get along with our child's in-laws.

We all try to do our best for ourselves and our family, however that works for us. There is no room in our already overcrowded schedule to condemn others for doing things differently than us. We may give pause to consider someone with a different lifestyle, but in the end, it isn't our place to attack them or martyr ourselves.

We are parents. We know how much support and understanding goes towards raising our kids. We know how much support and understanding helps us get through the tough times. We know along with all the joys and wonder and exhileration of having kids, there are also worries, difficulties, and plain old exhaustion. What is there to gain by criticizing parents for staying at home or working? Why even suggest a parent is any less of a parent simply because of gender or employment status? Such generalities hurt us all. Why not put that energy towards making society more accepting and helpful for both the stay-at-home parents and the working parents, like advocating better family-friendly workplace policies so that both parents can help each other and their kids, or lets the single parent raise his or her children in a less-stressed environment.