Letting go

My kindergartner has a love-hate relationship with a girl in her class. I'll call her Troi, because she has the same hair as bean-head Counselor Troi in Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's one of those fickle, confusing "friendships," where Troi is terribly mean and nasty to N one day, then is best friends with her the next.

There are various reasons I don't like Troi, mostly centering around how she confuses and hurts MY little girl. She is also prostheletizing to N, filling her head with Heaven and Jesus and how N's parents are going to Hell because we don't believe in that. I try to be tolerant with Troi, I even took N to church last weekend (Unitarian Universalist; take THAT Troi!) because she asked to go, and I'm into letting my children explore their spirituality. Yesterday, she came home and told me how Troi said women can't marry women, and what does gay mean? Finally, I had a passionate, reasoned response to Troi, and told her in no uncertain terms I will NOT let anyone tell my daughter who she can and cannot marry (secretly thinking, "Except ME, of course!").

Anyways, as usual, I digress. In short, Troi is a fickle little girl who likes to manipulate others. You can't really tell that from the previous paragraph, because I didn't want to digress TOO much.

What brings me to talking about this is what happened this morning. Hubby dropped N off at school. For some reason, when I drop her off (which is the norm), I may exchange a few greetings and how-are-you's with a few moms and dads, but that's about it. When Hubby does the drop-off, he comes back with gossip. Maybe it's an at-home parent thing, I don't know. I kinda feel left out, but console myself with the thought that maybe they all think I'm too nice to sully with gossip talk. yah, that's it.

So, you see, back to the story, N asked Hubby if she could play with Troi before the bell rang. Hubby said sure, go for it. As they scampered off, the two moms (whom we've known for years) talking with Hubby looked aghast at Hubby and said, "You let her play with Troi?"

Ok, I guess I'm not the only one who isn't all that comfortable with her. That made me feel like I had more leverage to tell N, "You know, if she's going to be mean to you, don't play with her. Good friends don't tell you they won't invite you to their birthday party and then invite other people right in front of you." (yah, that's another thing she did). And I felt a bit elated at how Troi was not as popular as I thought she may be.

But then I thought a bit more about it. True, only skanks trash you in front of other people. But it's up to N to make these decisions, not someone else's mom. Gossip should not in any shape or form be a tool for deciding whether or not to like someone.

I was brought back to my schooldays, and the hurt gossip created. I thought back to ten years ago, last year, last week, hell, any time, and how even as adults gossip creates all sorts of problems.

I realized I had to let that comment go.

If I want my girl to make decisions based on fact and not innuendo, if I want her to refuse to spread gossip and hurt and be true to herself and her values, I cannot use gossip to validate my own feelings about her friends (or, in this case, tormenter).

My little girl is in the Big(gish) World now. I have to let her make her own decisions.

I have to be objective when she asks for my help.

I have to be there for her when she finds out she made the wrong choice.

And that's hard, letting go.