Fourth of July parade, smalltown style

My town has an annual Fourth of July parade. Actually, it could be called the Annual Parade of Candidates, as about 75% of it is devoted to the floats, cadres, and paraphernalia of folks running for political office.

They all come out. Candidates and incumbents for judge, sheriff, Congress, Senate, President, City Council (in my town, City Council seats are hotly contested and viscerally defended and attacked over their terms, making them of equal local importance to POTUSA). Really, folks, this is Small Town America, the only wholesome-ish place in these parts to campaign without sullying one's reputation with girlie bars, brothels, and County contracts. Our little parade, with its pancake breakfast(I've been served syrup by the most powerful man in the US Senate!), Main Street parade, city park festivities, and fireworks over green soccer fields make it a haven for any candidate trying to taint his or candidacy with some sort of Americana.

Some of their attempts have been fantastically ludicrous. I vividly remember one year when a candidate for County Sheriff had a float populated with numerous scantily-clad go-go dancers. Lt. Governor Lonnie Hammergren (who for some reason is one of my top search-engine draws here), used to be in the parade every year on one of those tall ladders used by airline passengers to climb up into their plane off of the tarmac. I always though that an alliteration for going nowhere.

But this year, all stops were pulled out when it was revealed Hannah Montana was running for district judge.



Ok, she must get joked a LOT about her name and hair. Maybe she's running so she can change her name easier, although I suggest the relative simplicity of hair dye. I'm not sure she has a chance, since her major appeal is with girls not old enough to vote.

This year's parade was more subdued than usual. We only had one band, a little jazz quintet that was playing for a particular candidate. Even the local high school didn't field its band this year. Hammergren didn't have his wall of fallen soldiers he substituted for his stairway to nowhere several years ago. No parade of veterans, not even Bo Gritz perennially running for President.

But I did get an insight into what's going wrong in Iraq.



Our elite Naval engineers are sorely underpowered. They have just a few Super Soakers to defend their pitiful bunker. Even the Girl Scouts can kick their butts.



Aside from the parade, Fourth festivities here were subdued. It's just too blasted hot to do anything other than lay on the kitchen floor and pant. We attempted the local pool, but their stupid, stupid, STUPID rule that anyone under four *must* wear swim diapers foiled our attempts, as three-year-old Pinkie Toe refused to wear one, even though it was endorsed by Ariel herself.

We did spend a few hours at a friend's house swimming, and found a good place to watch the fireworks from.

But mostly, we hunkered down in air conditioning. Sweet, sweet, planet-killing air conditioning.