Wednesday, February 21, 2007

See Spot run. See Spot ooze.

Oh, gawd, what a crappy day at the office. I can't wait to get home and get some dinner. I haven't eaten since, when? Yesterday lunch? Yah, if you can count a couple of dry oatmeal packets as lunch.
Oh, look, Big Feet opened the door for me! Ah, the little things in life. Tonight will be good...
Holy platypus, Batman! What the hell happened? What? Someone with little hands drained the fishtank water all over the dining room? Hmmm, the fish look ok, but geesh! All my freshly-laundered towels are on the floor soaked! Toys are strewn about in the water, trash all over the place getting soggy. When did this happen? This MORNING? You've had ALL DAY to clean this up? You waited for ME to come HOME from a BITCH of a day so *I* could clean this up?
Grumble grumble grumble, quick, N, pick up the living room so we can bring the soggy towels to the laundry more easily. A, pick up these toys in the water so we can wash them (fishwater - ICK!). S, where's S? Napping? Oh, good. What? She's been napping since 3 and it's now 6 pm? Oh, that's going to make a late evening.... Big Feet? Get these f'in towels out of here!
Grumble grumble grumble. What? You're asking ME what we should do for dinner? Excuse me while I swallow the blood from my sorely-bitten tongue. Take N, go out and get something, I'm NOT making dinner tonight! Just don't get Burger King. I am so SICK of Burger King.
Grumble grumble grumble. Wash dishes so I can make room for the toys to get washed. Wash the toys. Well, they needed it anyways. I'm just glad I hadn't washed them and the floor like I've been planning on doing for the past couple of months just before this fiasco. Oh, goody, A is really getting into drying these toys and putting them away. "Adventure! Adventure! Adventure!" she sings as she scampers off to put them into their rightful places.
Ok, it's about 7:30 or so, I can get to the business of washing this floor. Gruck, what a mess! Hmm, actually, if anything, the fishwater helped clean it up a bit. Maybe we should do this more often? NO! Okay, move the play kitchens, move the table, move the chairs, sweep the floor. Ick, wet broom... ooooh, and it's smearing that black stuff all over the place. What IS that black stuff? Crayon? Noooo, Playdoh? Yah, maybe wet soggy Playdoh. Welll, at least that took care of any appetite I may have.
How am I supposed to wash a floor? Sweep, mop, rinse? Just sweep and mop? Scrub on my knees with a towel? Ok, so I'll sweep, and scrub, and wipe with a fresh-water towel. There's got to be an easier way. I've never figured out the right technique for this. I wonder if I can ask someone? Am I too old to ask someone how to wash a floor? This floor cleaner smells like that stuff they used to clean up vomit in grade school - Ode de' Industrial Bubblegum. I hope S doesn't start licking the floors because they smell like this. Why can't I find floor cleaner in the grocery store? I wonder where they hide it, because it's NOT with the regular household cleaners.
Grumble grumble grumble. No, A, I don't know when Daddy will be home with dinner. Should be soon. Where should I begin? Hmm, there's that child-protective-services-alarming spot in front of the refrigerator. I'll leave that for last. If I get that any sooner, then I'll just say I'm good and never really get a good clean floor in the rest of the kitchen/dining area. So, over here in this corner that's always covered up by the Dora kitchen. Good start. Smells like guppies, it needs it.
Sweep, scrub, rinse, scrub, rinse, change water, scrub rinse scrub, rinse, dinner's here. What is it? Yuck - fried chicken. Go ahead, have dinner in front of the TV, I'm in the middle of this, I'll never get back to it if I stop now, although that writhing primordial ooze by the fridge will probably call me back. Besides, dry oatmeal is more appealing than Albertson's fried chicken and.... ooooh, did you REALLY get macaroni salad with it? Does ANYONE in this house eat that crap?
Scrub, rinse, scrub, rinse, scrub, rinse, ouch my knees. How do we live with floors like these? Wow, there's quite a few linoleum tiles starting to peel up off the floor. I wonder how long it would take us to replace it? Can Pergo handle fish water? Scrub, rinse, scrub, rinse, scrub, scrub, rinse, oh to hell with the rinsing. Just wipe up the dirty water and call it good.
Scrub scrub scrub wipe, replace water, scrub scrub wipe scrub wipe scrub scrub scrub wipe replace water.... oh, I just want to STOP! No, that miniature La Brea Tar Pits in front of the ice box still awaits. Can't stop before I get to that. It will feel so GOOD to get that up, I've been looking at it for weeks, it has taunted me for far too long for me to just let it sit. Oh, goody, the baby is awake and wants to ride on my back, and N is getting her fourth drink of water. "GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!"
Cripes! It's 9:30! Big Feet, get the kids to bed. No, not the baby, she'll be awake until sunrise now. Wow, I've made it to the kitchen part now. Oooh, that spot looks tempting. No, must let it stay until the last. I'll relish every swipe getting it up, it's the Holy Grail of floor cleaning, it calls with it's siren song, it beckons.... literally, I think I see it forming little black slimemoldish fingers.
What? A is asleep on the couch, N is now asking to help wash the floor. At a quarter to ten? NOW she wants to help? Sorry, girl, I'm near the end, and I'm getting ready for my crunchy, sticky, dessert of floor mange. I've been looking forward to it for three hours now. It's MINE! Just let me wipe off the broiler door of the oven since I'm down here.... wow, this floor cleaner really cuts through the grease! Hey, I wonder if it will get rid of this film of grease on the glass oven door? Hey, Big Feet! Look at this! I finally found something to get this stuff off!
Big Feet? Big Feet? What.... wait, what are you doing with that brush? Where's my SPOT?!? You're cleaning MY SPOT! It's taken you since 10:30 this morning to start cleaning this floor, and you immediately go for MY SPOT?!?!?!?! Just the spot, too, not the rest of the floor around it, just The Spot.
He went away grumbling about how he was just trying to help. And the baby started licking the floor.
So, that was my night. I got to bed around midnight. But my kitchen floor sure looks nice.


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