Alpha Mom

RebelDad pointed me to this story about Alpha Mom. (Edited to add original credit to Miriam)

It's long, I knew I didn't have the time to read it, but like a train wreck, I couldn't look away. Since anyone reading this is probably also short on time, here's a synopsis: High-powered uberacheiving Manhattan Mom and Daddy have a baby. Unexpectedly, the baby needs attention, suddenly Mom can't take a shower, and she panics. A cadre of help is hired, lots of studying about parenting ensues, and AlphaMom TV is born. The message of the network programming is: Moms can be in control and do it all, but don't worry if the rest of us do it better than you do. Daddy is considered clueless about parenting and is essentially an arm trophy for Mommy.

So many things about this article rubbed me the wrong way. First off, I must admit my prejudices. Since I'm in no financial position to hire nannies or night nurses, or even to get that manicure Alpha Mom pines away for but doesn't have time to get, I have a hard time mustering sympathy for this woman. I admit it, I'm reviewing this from a biased position.

Second, the article starts right out saying how little Ryland's birth was all planned out. Lucky lucky you who gets to do that... I really hate it when it is assumed babies can be planned and nothing ever goes wrong. Then, after reading the article, I was left with the distinct impression that were something to go wrong with the plans or the blessed event itself, it was all because the Mommy failed to be in control. Just another bias I have against Alpha Mom that I should be up front about.

Yet, my own prejudices aside, the article makes her out to be a walking contradiction. She has started a network to advise parents (well, from what I've gathered, really just moms) on how to raise their children to become over-acheivers with (what appears to me to be) attachment parenting overtones (I like that part), yet she herself has hired help to do all of that instead of doing it herself. Instead, she gets satisfaction of being a "wonderful parent" by allowing her two-year-old son to smear icing all over her shirt. Daddy has no say in any of the parenting because Mommy has to be In Control. The whole network is all about being The Boss in your life and controlling everything and everyone around you.

Oh, woe to her when little Ryland goes to school and is not invited to some popular kid's birthday party. She already had a breakdown when he wasn't accepted to her pre-school of choice. Double woe to Ryland for suffering the wrath of Mommy because he wasn't invited to said party and thus corrupting her power. Triple woe to Ryland's future wife (or life partner) for having such a controlling MIL. And a huge dark cloud for Daddy, who has nothing to do with the raising of his son - not from wont of desire.

May I get on my soapbox for a moment? DADDY'S ARE NOT INEPT CAREGIVERS! DADDY'S CAN MAKE GOOD PARENTS! BITE ME to anyone who says otherwise. What kind of child are you raising when you are showing and telling him or her that half of his gene pool is an idiot? That in a relationship, one person needs to be in control? RebelDad also mentions a new reality television program Meet Mr. Mom, about families where Mom goes away for a week and Dad is left in charge; hillarity ensues as he bumbles it all. Please visit his website for more discussion, as I'd just be parroting him here. Geesh.

One last snort about this subject, coming from a working mom's perspective. Alpha Mom is a working mom, but we don't see eye-to-eye on this. Working and being a parent is hard. So much time spent away from my children, wanting to be a part of so many of their early experiences because all too soon I won't be a large part of their lives anymore. Worrying about them now, and their future. Fretting over mistakes made and mistakes that will be made. Running scenarios through my head late at night, trying to think of the perfect answer to life's troubles from not being invited to her first school dance to what to do when her boyfriend pushes her to have sex. I WANT to be there for them. Alpha Mom says that's what she wants, I think, but she doesn't do it herself, she hires others to do it. She puts in over 100 hours a week in the office and gets upset if she gets more than four hours of sleep a night. Ok, that works for some folks, I'm not going to deny parents solutions that meet everyone's needs. But she puts up this unrealistic goal: Do it all, give your child the best, work hard, play hard, take care of yourself. She thinks she's doing this, but in my eyes, she's missing the "brass ring" she was looking for - she's missing out on raising her child, and sharing that joy with her partner. And she's advocating this impossible ideal out there to other moms, who see that brass ring and want it and everything else as well thanks to Alpha Mom marketing. She's deluding herself, and she's deluding all those new, scared, panicy moms as well.

I have enough guilt already about being a working mom. I don't need Alpha Mom to pile on any more, thank you.