My body once more
A huge part of my life has ended recently. I have been pregnant or nursing for close to eight years solid. I have shared my womb, my blood, and my milk for nearly a decade with little tiny people, who depended on me to think of them when I made decisions on what to eat, what medicines to take, even what soap to wash myself with.
That all ended four days ago. My baby, S, less than a week from turning two, has not nursed since Saturday night. Maybe even Friday. It wasn't really my choice, it was hers, although lately I only offered when she asked. She just, well, stopped asking. I can't even really remember the last session, and that makes me sad. The end of a momentous, defining era of my life, and it's gone without a memory of even one last pat, one last smile, one last moment of that special life-affirming gaze a nursing baby and her mommy share.
It was a couple of years after my oldest N was born before I felt like she was her own person. All her actions, all her growth, even the words she said or the smiles she gave, somehow I felt like they were mine, too. It was a surprise of sorts to discover that she was her own person. That revelation may have come shortly after she stopped nursing at 23 months, when I no longer provided a material source of her growth. I'm not sure when my delusion ended, but I do remember how for so long she felt like she was an extension of myself, and I did revel in how young and alive that made me feel. Each of my daughters gave me that gift, and now that time has ended.
So, now, I can drink that diet soda. I can eat all the jalepenos my colon can withstand. I can wash my nipples with Lifeboy if I want to. I can, and to some extent I want, I was ready for it to end.
Just...... not so suddenly, and not without a lasting memory of the goodbye.
posted by Katherine Zander @ 1:23 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
as a father i oftentimes feel that sense of time slipping by and closeness. or innocence, i guess.
i can't imagine the connection of a mother. wow.
e+
Eric, you've got a good thing going as a Dad. I've always been impressed with how well you "get" your kids, and what is really important.
So, womb or no, you have a fast connection with your kids.
Now, as for time and innocence slipping, you get your youngest that t-shirt from the boardwalk, and it'll go thrice as fast ; )
But you're updating your blog again, and that's a good thing. :-)
LOL, Sandy. I think it's more a matter of Blogger not being blocked at work anymore ; ).
We'll see how long that lasts.
I can't think of what to say except, I feel for you, and congrats, too. It's the beginning of the next season of your relationship with your child. I'm still nursing my youngest, so I can only imagine how it would feel for nursing to be completely done with.
Wow. I think about this moment in my own life a lot, and I am surprised by how mixed my own feelings are. Much of what I feel is mirrored in your post.
My boy is almost 3, and he generally nurses once a day, in the evening. Sometimes, he also nurses first thing in the morning.
Over the last week, he has initially forgotten to nurse at bedtime. I've waited to see if he remembers, and then suddenly he'll say, "We forgot to nurse!" And I feel so disappointed and relieved at the same time -- I am ready to have my body back (though I can't rival 8 years!!!), but the sense of loss is also powerful.
So much emotion about such a simple thing. :)
What a wonderful gift you gave your daughters.
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